Sometimes, when it rains, it pours

Dear Ate Emz,

Isang buwan nang sira ang body clock ko. From sleeping at 3am, ngayon umusad naman to 6am daily, hapon na ako makakagising. This is a sign of insomnia na ano? I tried fixing it pero nababalik talaga dahil siguro sa messy thoughts. Noong una I love midnights since the world is so quiet pero hindi na nakakatuwa ngayon.

Kaka-twenty ko lang, and the past 3 months took a toll on my mental health, nabagsakan ng problema – family problem, separated parents, finance, relationships, especially worrying about my future. As in halo-halo within those months. At first, I took a blind eye sa nararamdaman ko and tried surviving it kasi parang normal lang naman yon sa atin and went on living.

Ngayon naman parang mas lumala insomnia ko, last month and this month – I never felt a speck of joy kahit kaunti. It’s like sadness took over me, persistently. And nadagdagan na naman ng isipin because another problem came up, I lost my main Facebook account which is very important to me, na-disable ni Meta.

8 years of memories, my only coping mechanism, gone. Ayun lang sana nakakagaan ng loob ko since I’m fond of journalling via chatting myself through messenger serving as testimony since hindi ako sanay mag-reach out sa iba. And it really helped me though lalo na sa past few months pero ngayong wala na yung account, I feel helpless. It’s just an account oo pero jan ata ako na trigger at tuluyan nang mag-breakdown.

I felt this these past few months pala, gising sa gabi, persistent sadness, nawalan ng gana sa lahat pati pag bangon hirap na hirap, grabe yung weight loss ko parang visible na ata bones ko. Haha, isang araw nalang nakain or kahit wala. Nanakit buong katawan especially sa chest part. I twitch a lot, nanginginig whenever I’m overwhelmed with emotions, I don’t know if ayan yung sinasabi nilang panic attack. Grabe yung fear of failure ko ngayon but parang no urge to be productive. In terms of physical, mental, emotional aspect, nasa lowest ako ng lowest. It’s like nawalan ako ng hope, I know this may be temporary and I can survive it – perhaps.

Pero hindi naman siguro yon signs ng depression po no? Ayoko mag self-diagnose since hindi naman proven, sanay rin ako mag gaslight sa sarili na I’m okay, I always seek the silly in problems rin haha, jinojoke time nalang ang all. Hindi ko rin afford magpa-check up, baka sabihan akong oa huhu. Ayun lang!

Thank you,
Gina

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Dear Gina,

Salamat sa iyong pag share ng iyong present condition. Minsan masasabi natin na “sometimes, when it rains, it pours”, to describe your situation.

You see, sleep is as important to your health as a healthy diet and regular physical activity. Whatever is keeping you from sleeping, insomnia can affect you mentally and physically. People with insomnia report a lower quality of life compared with people who sleep well.

Sa inyong situation, maraming mga dahilan kung bakit hindi ka makakatulog mabuti. As mentioned in your letter, ang daming mga pangyayari sa buhay mo na hindi mo mapigilang iisipin, and these are also major events in your life. At a very young young age of 20 years old, parang maisip tuloy natin na parang “pasan mo ang buong mundo”. I believe the loss of your journal entries indeed took a toll on your mental health, too, considering na iyon ang isa sa mga importanteng coping mechanisms on your part.

In addition to this, ang iyong sleeping patterns may have led you to depression or your insomnia may just be one of the manifestations of your depression. In other words, mga behaviors mo na iyong na mention, these are some of the symptoms of depression, where insomnia is one of these. It’s a good thing that you are aware of these manifestations in your behavior patterns. Malaking bagay din ito. Your system cannot take it any longer, hence, the breakdown, as you mentioned in your letter.

With all the symptoms you mentioned, it is advisable that you seek professional help. However, nabanggit mo na hindi mo rin afford ang mag pa check up. Pero kailangan mo ito, the sooner the better. The professional health care provider can help you identify and manage your unhealthy emotions, thoughts and behavior. You are encouraged to let out from your system everything that’s bothering you in what we call the TALK THERAPY. Sometimes medications are also needed depending on the diagnosis of your situation. Take note, however, na ang pag avail sa tulong ng isang professional ay hindi kailanman OA as you mentioned. Pls correct this mindset, ok?

Pag-ipunan mo, ang pag avail ng professional help. Meantime, habang nag-iipon ka, you can do the following para matulungan mo din ang iyong sarili: (1) get regular exercise, this can keep your body more alert; (2) eat healthy diet. Pilitin ang sarili na magkain, to give you energy to do what needs to be done; (3) spend time with people you care about. Problem shared with someone you trust, is problem half solved; and above all, (4) PRAYER. Yes, prayer is our only strength. Allow God to accompany you in these your difficult moments.

Start anew with your journal writing. Whatever you cannot express to a person you can trust, pour out and abandon all these to God! Surely hindi ka Niya bibiguin basta magtiwala ka lang that you will be healed. Nothing is impossible with God.

May God bless you more.
Ate Emz