Falling in love again

“Asa diay imong uyab karon?” (Where’s your boyfriend now?) I casually asked her, hoping she would not be offended by my quite personal question. She just blushed, which made me retreat a little, assuming she might have thought — and she has the right to do so — that I was “feeling close” (read: overfamiliar) to her.

We just met and were introduced to each other during lunchtime. And I realized the impropriety of my question. But I was just banking on the kindness of her heart.

After a little while, she responded, “wala naman koy uyab” (I don’t have a boyfriend now). To which, her priest-cousin (my friend who introduced us to each other and who was seated at my right) and I asked in unison: “Ngano man?” (Why not?). “Wa siyay klaro!”, she replied.

Literally, this vernacular statement is translated as “He has no clear stand or position on our relationship.” But as to what she really meant by it, only she knows. We respected that privacy already. But it could mean “It’s complicated” or that both party have started to fall out of love and the relationship was a failure. With her answer, the conversation shifted to another topic.

The next day, in front of the Blessed Sacrament, I wondered why the memory of that casual conversation lingered. But it made me ask myself: what about my relationship with God? “Wala pud bay klaro?” Am I still falling in love or already falling out of love with Jesus?

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St. Josemaría Escrivá once said: “We do not have one heart to love God with and another with which to love men. This poor heart of ours, made of flesh, loves with an affection which is human and which, if it is united to Christ’s love, is also supernatural. This, and no other, is the charity we have to cultivate in our souls, a charity which will lead us to discover in others the image of Our Lord.” (Friends of God, no. 229).

If I only have one heart to love others and God, then I must understand that the experience of falling in love with another person and with God could be relatively similar, not just analogical. Besides, I must constantly check this heart of mine every time it falls in love. I must be wary of the possibility that when I fall in love with creatures in a wrong way, it could endanger my falling in love with the Creator.

St. Paul warned the Romans of this danger when he wrote: “They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator—who is forever praised” (Rm 1: 25).

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Falling in love with another person is an experience most adults are very familiar with. Theresa E. DiDonato, Ph.D. enumerated some guide questions to detect whether or not one is really falling in love with another person in her article “How Do You Really Know If You’re Falling in Love?”.

She says in order to tell if you’re really falling in love, you may ask yourself: “Are you suddenly doing new things?”; “Have you been especially stressed lately?”; “Are you highly motivated to be with this person?”; “Does the person you’re falling for return your feelings?”; “How intense are your emotions?”; “Do you fall in love frequently?”; “Are you tempted to say, ‘I love you’?”; “Are you investing more in this person?”

These questions may help you decipher your emotional state towards a person of your interest. But what interests me with these questions is that, if my premise is correct — that, since I have one heart to love others and to love God with, my experience of falling in love with others and with God could be relatively similar — then, similar questions could help me examine my love for Jesus. And I would be able to answer my previous question above: Am I still falling in love or out of love with Jesus?

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Hence, I may rephrase Dr. DiDonato’s guide questions: “Am I willing to do new things especially if the old ways are not pleasing to Jesus?”; “Have I been especially stressed lately and come to Him for consolation instead of the company of other friends?”

“Am I highly motivated to be with Jesus lately?”; “Does Jesus return my feelings or am I aware of it?”; “How intense are my emotions for Jesus?”; “Do I strive to fall in love with God concretely?”; “Am I tempted to say, ‘I love you’ to Jesus?”; “Am I investing more time and effort to be in His presence?”

You might think that the mere juxtaposition of these two sets of questions would help distinguish your love for God and your love for others. But no! This comparison is meant to arouse in us the awareness that if we can afford to fall in love with human persons the way we do, how much more with God? Or better still, this is to realize that in order to deepen and purify our human love, it has to pass through our love for God: that we strive to fall in love with God first, then through that love we strive to fall in love with human persons!

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However, falling in love with God becomes more difficult once we experience falling out of love with Him. Mediocrity in our daily tasks or being lukewarm in our prayers could bring about a downward slope in our efforts to fall in love with Jesus. But what do we do when the well runs dry?

It’s very painful but we need to acknowledge it. The prodigal son one day woke up and realized that he was lost (read: fall out of love) when he was so hungry he wanted to eat pig food. What “hunger” do we need to experience in order to realize that we are starting to fall out of love with God?

One Facebook post reads: “The devil won’t bother you while you’re living in sin, he’ll bother you when you’re trying to get out”. It makes a lot of sense. When we are bothered while in a state of sin, it must only come from God. And the purpose is to make us acknowledge that we have fallen out of love with God already.

Then, we strive to get up again and again. Nunc coepi, now I begin, as St. Josemaría Escrivá would advise us! He said: “Another fall, and what a fall! Must you give up hope? No. Humble yourself and, through Mary, your Mother, have recourse to the merciful Love of Jesus. A miserere, and lift up your heart! And now begin again” (The Way, no. 711).

Next, we strive to be faithful in the fulfillment of our tasks and responsibilities. We exert more effort to reestablish our relationship with Jesus in prayer and in the Sacraments. In short, we strive to fall in love again and again, hoping that love would become sweeter the next time around!

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St. Josemaría also once observed: “And what is the secret of perseverance? Love. Fall in Love, and you will not leave Him” (The Way, 999).

St. Augustine already testified to this truth centuries ago when he wrote: “To fall in love with God is the greatest romance; to seek Him the greatest adventure; to find Him, the greatest human achievement.”

If this “greatest human achievement” is for you still your greatest failure — “walay klaro” — do not lose heart. Begin again! And constantly ask the Lord: Lord, let me fall in love with You again!