Sanctifying friendships (Part 1)

A friend, who got a copy of my newly-published book Clay in the Potter’s Hands, sent me this message on Messenger, sometime last June:

“Good evening Padre… I’ve read your book. As I read the first 2 chapters, I really felt the heart… the emotion contained in it as you wrote them. It really transcended in (sic)my heart. I’ve just got (a) few questions about the 1st chapter… As a laity, is it possible to have an intimate friendship to (sic) (with) a priest? And vice-versa? Since ‘detachment’ is being stated there… Thanks Fr. for your reply…”

The question caught my attention because I never thought such topic could baffle someone. I immediately asked myself: What have I written in the first two chapters of my book? Since I did not have time to check it out then, being in the middle of something, I just replied with a question: “What do you mean by ‘intimate friendship’?”

When the reply came saying “An intimate or deep friendship… a very close friend, companion or best friend?”, my response was quick and short as possible, because I was still doing something:

“Of course, priest’s are also human beings… but it should be an intimacy without unhealthy attachments… or emotional dependence…”

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This convo came to my memory as I came across the book The Spiritual Life: A Treatise on Ascetical and Mystical Theology by the Very Reverend Adolphe Tanquerey, S.S., D.D. (1854-1932). In Chapter 5, which deals with the General Means of Perfection, under Article II, § IV: Sanctification of Social Relations, the author speaks about the sanctification of friendship.

Fr. Tanquerey wrote, “Friendship can become a means of sanctification or a serious obstacle to perfection accordingly as it is supernatural or merely natural and sentimental in character”. He, then, outlined the nature and value of true friendship, as well as the dangers and remedies of false friendship, as he gave very clear suggestions how to deal with a friendship at once supernatural and sentimental, a mixture of the first two types mentioned.

In the first part of this article, I would like to invite the readers to reflect on the nature and value of true friendship, as presented by the author.

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“Friends ba tayo sa Facebook?” we used to hear people asking. Virtual friendship is already accepted as a common form of this kind of relationship. But, according to Fr. Tanquerey, friendship is “an interchange, a mutual communication between two persons”. Its nature or character would be determined chiefly by “the variety of the communications themselves and from the diversity of the things communicated” (no. 595).

It goes to say that the kind of friendship you have depends on how you share mutually (variety of the communications – e.g. personal, virtual friendship) and what are the things you mutually share (diversity of the things communicated). St. Francis de Sales explained this second aspect very well:

“The more exquisite the virtues are, which shall be the matter of your communications, the more perfect shall your friendship also be. If this communication be in sciences, the friendship is very commendable; but still more so, if it be in the moral virtues: in prudence, discretion, fortitude and justice. But should your reciprocal communications relate to charity, devotion and Christian perfection, good God, how precious will this friendship be! It will be excellent because it comes from God; excellent, because it tends to God; excellent, because it’s very bond is God. Oh how good it is to love on earth as they love in heaven; to learn to cherish each other in this world, as we shall do eternally in the next?” (Devout Life, Part III, C. 19).

I suggest we begin to examine our friendships as to its nature and to the kinds of things we share: material goods, virtues (moral or supernatural), Christian life. After determining the nature of our friendships, we may know what to do next.

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“In general, true friendship is an intercourse (communication) between two souls with the purpose of procuring each other’s good. It stays within the limits of moral goodness if the good mutually shared belongs to the natural order. Supernatural friendship, however, stands on a far superior plane. It is the intimate intercourse of two souls, who love each other in God and for God with a view of aiding each other to attain the perfection of that divine life which they possess. The ultimate end of this friendship is God’s glory, the proximate end their own spiritual progress, and the bond of union between the two friends is Our Lord” (no. 595).

When we accept or invite someone on Facebook, we don’t just do it in order to expand our long list of friends and likely accumulate more likes on our posts. We befriend people (though virtually online) because we intend to contribute to their well-being. We want to share with them moral goodness.

But more than that, we make friends for the sake of God, because we love God and we love anyone whom God loves. The friends of Jesus are also our friends. And we want to help each other become closer to Jesus through our mutual sharing of spiritual goods (prayers, good examples, etc.). We do this for the greater glory of God.

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Unlike sentimental friendship that is passionate, all-absorbing and exclusive, supernatural friendship is “marked by calm reserve and mutual trust” because it is rooted in God’s love and seeks nothing more than the spiritual good of the other. “Because such friends desire each other’s perfection they do not fear to point out their respective defects and to offer mutual help for their correction” (no. 596).

Besides, the mutual trust excludes all suspicion and uneasiness and avoids, as much as possible, all temptations that tend to make the friendship become all-absorbing or exclusive. “One does not take it amiss that one’s friend should have other friends, but one is rather glad of it for his sake and the sake of others” (Ibid.).

“A faithful friend is a strong defense: and he that has found one has found a treasure… A faithful friend is the medicine of life and immortality”, says Ecclesiastes (6: 14-16). Fr. Tanquerey enumerated three advantages of having true friendship: (1) “A (true) friend is a protection for virtue, a strong defence”; (2) “A friend is also a sympathetic counsellor to whom we willingly bring our doubts and offer our difficulties in order that he may help us to reach a solution;” and (3) “A friend is a comforter who will listen with sympathy to the story of our sorrows, and who will find in his heart words of comfort and encouragement” (no. 598).

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When I checked what my interlocutor might have referred to in the first two chapters of my book, I could only find as the most probable one the reflection on the fact that a priest must have “a heart of fire for charity and a heart of bronze for chastity”. In that part, I wrote: “It is because the heart, if not guarded with seven locks, would tend to attach itself to human affections — attachment to things and persons. And if a newly-ordained is not careful, these attachments could likely weaken his intimacy with God” (Clay in the Potter’s Hands, p. 10).

Human friendship can sanctify us and must be sanctified. But like any human relationships, it can also become an obstacle to our sanctification. This is the case of false friendships, which we shall reflect on next week.