Sanctifying friendships (Part 2)

In last week’s reflection, we said that human friendship can sanctify us and must be sanctified. However, one must strive to avoid falling into false friendships as these can be a real obstacle to sanctification.

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The author of the book, The Spiritual Life: A Treatise on Ascetical and Mystical Theology, the Very Reverend Adolphe Tanquerey, S.S., D.D. (1854-1932), describes false friendship as a relationship that “has for its foundation external or shallow qualities, and for its purpose the enjoyment of the sight and charms of its object” (no. 600). He said it is “a sort of masked egotism, since one loves the other because of the pleasure he finds in his company” (Ibid.).

St. Francis de Sales was quoted to have distinguished three types of false friendships, namely, carnal friendship (the mere seeking of sexual pleasures); sentimental friendship (based on the attractions caused by outward qualities to emotions); and foolish friendship (one that has no other foundation except the empty accomplishments of the other).

Perhaps, to help one examine if his friendship has fallen into this kind, one has to recognize its characteristics. Such characteristics may be pointed out from the origin, development and effects of this kind of friendships.

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As to origin, false friendships usually have sudden and vehement beginnings because “they proceed from a natural and instinctive sense of sympathy” (no. 602). One’s natural instincts are attracted by exterior and showy qualities of the other. And this attraction is accompanied usually by strong and passionate feelings (like suddenly realizing that one is already enjoying so much the company of a friend and would want to have that company in many occasions as possible).

“Their development is fostered by conversations at times insignificant but affectionate, at others, fond and dangerous” (Ibid.). Owing to the fact that it is the natural instinct and the attraction to the friend’s qualities move both friends to seek for more occasions of bonding and affectionate conversations, the relationship develops in a familiar manner. Over-familiarity lurks in the corner especially when both parties are not conscious of the fact that the occasions are already more than necessary.

Fr. Tanquerey noted that these friendships “are impetuous, all-absorbing and exclusive; the illusion that such affection will last forever is often brusquely destroyed by separation and the forming of new attachments” (Ibid.).

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The dangers this kind of friendship brings to the soul cannot be underestimated. Fr. Tanquerey said “they constitute one of the greatest obstacles to spiritual progress” (no. 603). False friendships hinder one’s relationship with God because they somehow divide the heart. And God does not want a divided heart! As St. Josemaría once wrote: “Jesus isn’t satisfied ‘going halves’: he wants the lot” (The Way, 155).

When the heart is divided, one experiences a great loss of time, because “the absorbing thought of the friend hinders both mind and heart from devoting themselves to piety and to serious work” (no. 603). Worst, “all this ends in dissatisfaction and discouragement; sentimentality gains control over the will, which loses its strength and languishes” (Ibid.). St. Josemaría observed: “Your heart weakens and you clutch at an earthly support. Very good: but take care that what you grasp to stop you from falling doesn’t become a dead weight dragging you down, a chain enslaving you” (The Way, 159).

That’s why, at one point, this Saint also asked: “Tell me: is that… a friendship, or is it a fetter?” (The Way, 160).

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False friendship becomes a fetter if not remedied. But the remedy requires a humble recognition of the false nature of such friendship and a strong resolve to purify it. And the necessary attitude to begin with, as St. Josemaría would say, is to have courage and not to fall into desperation.

He said: “How is that heart of yours getting along? Don’t worry: the saints — who were perfectly ordinary, normal beings like you and me — also felt those ‘natural’ inclinations. And if they had not felt them, their ‘supernatural’ reaction of keeping their heart — soul and body — for God, instead of giving it to creatures, would have had little merit.

That’s why, once the way is seen, I think that the heart’s weaknesses need be no obstacle for a determined soul, for a soul in love” (The Way, 164).

Falling in love with Jesus is the ultimate remedy for such sad state of friendships. And from that intimacy with our Lord must spring the love for a friend. Fr. Tanquerey calls this the positive means to insure success in rooting out false friendships.

“Let one’s activities be wholly devoted to the fulfillment of the duties of state, and when, in spite of all, the object of such affections presents itself unsought to the mind, this should be made the occasion of eliciting acts of love towards God: One is my beloved, One is my troth forever. We thereby profit by temptation itself to increase within us the love of Him Who alone is worthy to possess our hearts” (no. 604).

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But for practical purposes, we take note of the concrete remedies to false friendships. First, we must resist them in their beginnings. It is quite easier then, since the heart is not yet deeply attached. Second, if these disordered affections are already deeply rooted, radical measures must be taken “to cut them, break them, tear them… and rend them asunder” (Ibid.).

Yet, there are cases when the friendship is not totally false, as in a friendship that is “a mixture of the sentimental with the morally good and the supernatural. One truly desires the supernatural good of a friend and at the same time craves the joy of his company and his words, sorrowing over much at his absence” (no. 605). What to do with such type of friendship?

Fr. Tanquerey suggests to watch over the heart and to take the effective means so as not to fall down totally into false friendships. He said one must examine what element predominates in such friendship. If the good and supernatural element predominates, “one may continue such friendship while purifying it. For this, one must first of all forego what would foster sentiment, like frequent and affectionate conversations, familiarity, etc” (no. 606). Thus, one gains control over his sentiments and wards off danger.

But if the sentimental element is predominant, “one must for a considerable period of time renounce any special relations with the said friend beyond the strictly necessary, and when one must meet him one should abstain from speaking in terms of affection” (Ibid.). In this way, sentiments are allowed to cool down. And when time comes that the friendship is renewed, hopefully it takes on a new character — it becomes purified. If not, then it must be cut forever.

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Ultimately, the remedy to false friendships is healthy detachment, which brings me to the concern of my interlocutor in Messenger: “Since detachment is being stated there (in the book), is it possible to have an intimate friendship with a priest?” Before I ended the conversation with a “Good night!”, I responded:

“With rectitude of intention, just make that friendship as a way of getting closer to Jesus… our friends don’t belong to us… they belong to Jesus (especially priests)… if they are close to us, it must be for the sake of Jesus.”

However, if it a case of false friendship, then the words of St. Josemaría can serve as a wake up call: “You write: ‘Father, I have a… toothache in my heart’. — I won’t laugh, because I realize that you need a good dentist to do a few ‘extractions’ for you. If only you were willing!… (The Way, 166).