Reflect on your Relationship

Dear Ate Emz,

Magandang araw po sa lahat. Gusto ko lang po idulog ang aking sitwasyon.

Ano po ang magandang gawin kasi may GF ako. Di siya mapagbigay na tao, tapos halos ako na rin gumagastos sa iba niyang luho. May trabaho naman po siya at ako estudyante pa lang po. I can say well off po kami but it doesn’t mean na kesyo ganun eh provider na agad ng halos lahat.

Hindi naman po ako nagkulang ng advice sa kanya. Lagi ko nga po siyang in-a-advice na mag-ipon kaso nauudlot lang dahil marami rin siyang utang na di ko alam. Kaya kung wala siyang pera, sa akin humihingi. Pati kapatid niya ay nanghihingi rin sa kanya ng pangbayad sa school, o para sa pagkain nila. Naiintindihan ko naman po kasi may problema sa family niya, they belong to a broken family. Ang grandparents nila ang bumubuhay sa kanilang magkakapatid na dalawa.

At dahil dun eh naawa ako at the same time medyo may galit din kasi nga sa sitwasyon na parang ako ngayon ang pumapasan ng bigat. Kaya ako, patago na lang na nag-iipon.

Ano po dapat kong gawin? Gustuhin ko mang hiwalayan pero nakakaawa naman baka lalong malubog sa problema at mapariwara, konsenya ko pa. Nahihirapan ako pero kaya pa naman.

Salamat po,
Rafael

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Dear Rafael,

Salamat sa pagbukas ng iyong sarili at yung concern mo with your girlfriend. It appears na medyo mas mature ka pa in your outlook in life compared to her who is now employed and facing the real world of earning a living.

According to your letter, you belong to a well-off family pero estudyante pa. In other words, dependent ka pa sa parents mo dahil you are still in school, and no income of your own. Tama ka, kahit may kaya ang pamilya mo, hindi ibig sabihin na maging provider ka na agad sa iyong girlfriend at sa kanyang pamilya.

Ang boyfriend-girlfriend relationship ay isang stage ng relationship considered as “getting-to-know-you better”. Kung ano man ang ma discover ninyo sa isa’t isa at this stage, will help you make a decision to pursue the relationship as to consider spending the rest of your life with each other in marriage. Dapat malaman mo kung hanggang saan ang boundaries mo sa stage ng relationship na ito.

As a person, nakikita ang iyong kabutihan, being generous and compassionate. Maswerte ang iyong g.f. na ikaw ang naging b.f. niya. How about you? Maswerte ka rin ba na siya ang naging girlfriend mo and maybe your future wife?

Your situation reminds me of one person, the “mr. nice guy” so to say, at ang kanyang pagka mabuting tao ay inaabuso na. In some ways medyo may similarity ang inyong situation where your own goodness and generosity seem to be abused already.

Sa status sa inyong relasyon, kung iyong pag-isipan, medyo lumampas na sa boundaries ng proper behavior ng isang g.f. Tama yung sinabi mo na parang pasan mo na ang mabigat. At this stage wala ka pang obligasyon sa kanyang pamilya. Pero it seems na gina consider mo na ang sarili mo na obligado ka nito. I believe that as a person you have this compassionate and generous character. However, kung na feel mo na ngayon ang awa at galit at the same time, you need to deal with this. Yes, as of now, as you mentioned, “nahihirapan ka, pero kaya pa naman” I am sure if you don’t deal with this now and manage the same, this might “blow up” and might turn out to be damaging to your relationship.

Kung ano man ang nakikita mong ugali ng girlfriend mo ngayon, expect that this will likely be the same ang makikita mo in your future married life, just in case you decide to spend the rest of your life with her. As you mentioned, di siya mapagbigay, at ikaw ang gumagastos sa iba niyang luho. This is a red flag in your relationship. Most likely, you will experience the same situation… unless she realizes this tendency and will do something to change this negative trait.

What you are experiencing now is an opportunity to step back and reflect on your relationship. Ayon sa iyong letter, gustuhin mo mang hiwalayan pero nakakaawa naman at baka lalong malubog sa problema at mapariwara, konsenya mo pa. Remember, whatever happens to a person, generally depends on the decisions and choices he/she makes in life. Hence, you cannot claim that it is your responsibility if your separation from her will result sa lalong paglubog niya sa problema or mapariwara siya. That is her responsibility. But I am sure di siya pababayaan ni Lord in her struggles.

Sa ngayon kasi you seem to be taken advantaged of since you have the capacity to provide for her needs or maybe wants, not only for her but also for her family. It appears that her behavior seems to reflect that of a receiver still, more than a giver.

Kung ang iyong pity and guilt ang mag define or motivate sa iyong pananatili sa inyong relasyon, this is not enough to sustain such relationship. Pity is different from LOVE. Remember, it is love that will sustain the relationship. On the other hand, kung totoo ang kanyang magmamahal sa iyo, both of you will strive to grow to become better persons. Remember, TRUE LOVE is the will to extend oneself for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s SPIRITUAL GROWTH (Scott Peck: The Road Less Travelled). Medyo malayo pa siya sa tunay na pagmamahal, but there is always room to grow towards this direction kung willing ka to also extend your patience, sacrifices, to decide to love her and embrace the good, the bad, and the ugly in both of you. This requires more time and opportunities to grow.

Just a reminder, never expect na mabago mo ang isang tao. Change should come from within the person himself/herself.

You are asking, “Ano po dapat kong gawin?” Well, you need enough time to discern, pray for enlightenment and guidance on what is the right thing and the best thing to do. Remember, what you are seeing now, may be one of your bases or references in making a decision, which will turn out to be better not only for you but also for the betterment of your girlfriend as well.

Everyone has opportunities to grow and change, and only unconditional love provides space for this. Lastly, remember that love is a decision and an action word, not based on feelings alone.

The decision is yours.

God bless us more
Ate Emz